[ He'll let Essek stand up, his hand falling away from his shoulder to drop back into his lap. There's something quietly defeated about him. He's never had to do this to a friend before, probably because he's never had too many of them in the first place, so it just feels especially... awful. ]
... I'm sorry.
[ For the part he's played in this to make Essek feel this way about him. For not being able to reciprocate. For not catching on sooner, so that he would be a little more tactful about pushing Essek on these dates.
The remorse is heavy and thick in the air between them, but along the edges of that are the fear, the insecurity, and the anxiety that make up the whole of Aventurine, emotions normally hidden behind all his reckless bravado and fearless grins. ]
The hurt is like a stick breaking: quick and then it's gone. The cloudy turmoil of feelings on the surface grows slowly translucent as the moments pass, and beneath it are the scraps of fond understanding. A resolute thing. When shackles have released you, and you stand there without their weight, now free and unburdened.
He does hate this week in particular, but perhaps it's better this way, in the end. Nothing can be hidden. He has already started learning the intricacies of these sorts of things, and he's a bit ashamed he had fallen back into the same secrecy which got him in trouble at home in the first place.]
Thank you. I'm glad you both have each other.
[The words are genuine because the feelings behind them are genuine, too. Those are his friends.]
[ DON'T JUST UNDERSTAND!!! I REACH INTO THE SCREEN AND STRANGLE YOU
The effects of this week only help to drive the knife further into Aventurine's chest. He hates the instant pain that he scores through Essek, but it's the understanding that follows that acts as the real punishment. An overwhelming sort of guilt eats away at him, because he's doing it again, isn't he? Hurting someone he cares about. ]
You aren't complicating anything, [ he says, a bit too quickly, a bit too anxiously to be fully believed. ] I wish I could do more, be more, for you, but...
[ His voice falters, tone reluctant. Sincere words escape him. He's always been able to fall back on his luck and put on a show, but in the face of one of his very first, real friends, he's struggling to act his usual part. He doesn't want the acceptance or the genuine kindness that Essek replies back with. ]
Tell me what you need. If it's space or time or me making even more of a fool of myself in front of you, I'll give it to you.
His head starts slowly shaking, dismissive. He raises a hand, an attempt to get Aventurine to stop. Relax. What does it matter, in the end? He is probably going to be dead with the Might Nein after Lucien anyway.
This is fine.]
I think we've both already done enough of making fools of ourselves.
[Him especially. He didn't even want this to come to light! It would have been fine if it hadn't. There was no room for him anyway; he respects both Aventurine and Nehan too much to simply insert himself. Anyway.]
[ He can't relax under these conditions. It's devastating when Essek calls him friend and says that he needs him, and Aventurine squeezes his hands together to stop them from trembling. Essek's already seen what a mess he can be, to show him again wouldn't make things all too different, but he tries to hold it together.
Their friendship isn't going anywhere. He has to remind himself of this, even if there's a familiar voice in the back of his mind that tells him otherwise. ]
... Okay.
[ His voice is quiet, but he pushes himself up to his feet to stand next to Essek. Tentatively, he reaches for the other man, the tips of his fingers grazing Essek's wrist. ]
I'm not going anywhere, as long as you promise to do the same.
[His hand flits away again, but not because he is fleeing the touch, because he is raising both his hands to push them up over Aventurine's cheeks.]
I can feel you despairing and panicking, you know.
[He pulls Aventurine down to him, a little horrifying at first, except he simply plants a kiss on Aventurine's forehead between the brows. Like Caleb did to him. Holding his idiot little face.]
You are my friend. I will be fine if that remains true. I like Caleb a bit more than you anyway; you are rather annoying, and I was sort of upset about it.
[ This really is such a horrible weekly effect, but Aventurine doesn't fight it when his face is grabbed, or when he's kissed on the forehead. Any other time, he would have probably squirmed away, but surprisingly enough, this little act of affection does bring him comfort.
Which feels stupid when he's the one who's had to reject Essek's feelings. But they're both wet paper napkins for a reason, and Aventurine fights to keep it together, wrapping his arms around Essek in a hug after he's finished talking to get rid of some of these overwhelming emotions.
And then he pulls back a second later to lightly punch him on the arm. ]
You seriously need to reevaluate your type. [ PLEASE. GET TASTE. ] Once this is over, once you survive your big fight, I'm coming over and meeting Caleb for myself.
[Do you think about how they are both such idiots? I do.
The hug surprises him even though he just gave Aventurine a kiss on the forehead. He just doesn't expect people to want to hug him is all. He returns the hug, the vibes better for it even if Aventurine is worried.
Aventurine is his friend!!!
He grunts and there is a snap of fond irritation at the punch.]
Yes, I admit, any like I had of you was atrocious taste. I don't know how Nehan does it.
[He's thundered because he is now embarrassed. But the last part softens him slightly.]
But no, they're not touching the depression mines by talking about Essek's potential demise. Aventurine will rat shake him here in the rat exhibit if it continues. ]
Quit it. I have half a mind to beat some sense into you. You're going to be around and that's final.
[ He will not be leaving any room for arguments as he grabs Essek's arm and starts dragging him outside of the exhibit. ]
We're going to find something fun to do so I don't have to worry about you moping.
[Ugghhhh. WELL, Aventurine would understand if he met Lucien and had to fight terrible things inside of Aeor, then get cursed by red eyes on his body.
Sighing, he lets himself get dragged away, still not used to having to walk instead of someone simply pulling him along in a float. Annoying.]
Me? You're the one who keeps giving off atrocious insecurities. Guilt, fear - should I name them all one by one so you'll acknowledge them? Aventurine.
[He pulls his arm away, not to escape the touch, but to force Aventurine to look at him.]
You don't have to feel any kind of way. It wasn't as bad as you're making it out to be in your own head. My interest didn't mean I'm madly in love with you. I have feelings, but they work differently than most people.
[ That sounds bad but also, can Aventurine join the fight. Maybe that's how he gets to meet Caleb.
He's made to stop, and when he's forced to look at Essek, the emotions that he gives off are still rancid. They only heighten with each one that gets named, and he makes a noise of complaint from the back of his throat, eyes widening as he tries to quell the uncomfortable squirm in the pit of his stomach. ]
... It does, [ he says, tone reluctant as he tries to silence his emotions from continuing to go haywire. Sometimes, you are a man filled with only insecurities. ] It's not that I think you're madly in love with me, I just...
[ His hand comes up to rub at his forehead, and he grimaces out the rest of the words. ]
I hate that I have to refuse you something.
[ Aventurine who complains about alway being surrounded by tsunderes, also showing tsundere tendencies. But Aventurine who is used to giving people he cares about anything they want, also struggling to deny them. ]
[ i'm sorry to tell you this but they're only getting worse also hello i'm back returns to the fucking mines
But if Essek sincerely asked Aventurine for the cure of all diseases, he would find a way. He's from magic space, they can do the impossible there. ]
Don't turn me into a sap on top of everything else.
[ So what if he's a loser who feels his emotions too much and Essek has somehow become a very close, important friend to him and he's never had friends to begin with and now he's like wow, I was so stupid and blind the entire time. ]
[Which is fair, he has spent a great deal of his life not answering people's damn questions. A small sigh escapes him. He does not grab Aventurine, but he does start walking on again, slow, as if waiting for Aventurine to come along, too.]
You are a sap. It was better to get it out of the way. You are only unnecessarily blaming yourself because you happened to be able to feel what I felt. If you had not, you would have never known and accepted our mutual agreement this boundary.
There isn't anything to feel bad about, you know. You give me enough simply by being my friend.
[ Oh... Well. This is overwhelming, and Aventurine watches as Essek resumes his walk, not following along just yet. He's left a little dumbstruck, a little flustered, and if there's a lump in his throat that feels hard to swallow around, then he won't make any mention of it.
Instead, he finally takes a step forward, and then another, easily catching up to Essek to slip their arms together. Aventurine doesn't mean to cling, but his hold is tight as he looks anywhere but at Essek. ]
... Thanks. You probably don't have any idea how much easier you've made it for me to endure this place.
[ It's the sort of gratitude that might even be felt without the aid of emotionshare, but it's there all the same. ]
[Ok, silly goose. He walks slow and even comes to a stop, looking back to make sure Aventurine is alright, mood worried. He lets Aventurine catch up, settles his arm over the one twining around his. After a moment, hesitant, he laces their fingers, worried mood lifting a bit.
Aventurine won't look at him, but he's looking at Aventurine.]
Likewise. Fool.
[He doesn't want his feelings to be soft, but they're soft. Regardless of all of this mess, Aventurine really is his friend.]
I missed your annoying antics even if they got on my nerves. We haven't spoken in some time. So when I saw you here... [He finally glances away himself.] I was relieved even though I didn't want you to have to be in another place like this.
[ This is different from their usual, lacking the jabs and teasing remarks they so often resort to, but it's still comfortable despite the series of events that brought them to this point. Aventurine squeezes Essek's hand, reassuring and reassured all at once. ]
Our rotten luck.
[ There's a bit of a laugh in his voice as he tries to find some humor in their situation. But it's mostly relief that washes over him, as well as his own soft affection, and he tugs them toward a new location that isn't the rat exhibit. ]
Come on. We'll turn it around and make the most of it.
[Well, sometimes even the two idiots must have time for an emotional, level-headed moment together. And now is that time apparently. He is glad Aventurine is not spiraling at least.
Nehan would probably hit them both across the head with his cane.]
Between the two of us, we're supposed to have great luck.
[He follows along with Aventurine's lead. THEY REALLY HAD THIS HEART TO HEART EPISODE IN A WHOLE RAT EXHIBIT, I HATE THIS PLACE.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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... Sorry. Trying to make light of the situation is sort of a force of habit. I'm about as practiced at this as you are.
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Finally:] You don't have to apologize. [He doesn't say anything else for a long moment.]
You don't have to worry about it.
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Hey, don't do that. Don't clam up on me.
[ Grips Essek's shoulder and gives him a light shake. ]
I want to understand. What happened? What changed?
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I don't have an answer for you. Do you think I know how any of this works? You're the only person here I know as well as I do, you idiot.
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... I do feel like an idiot for not having noticed sooner. [ He pinches the bridge of his nose with his other hand, eyes shutting tight as he sighs quietly. ] I don't know what to tell you without it sounding like a total cliché. Not that I think you're hoping for anything, just...
[ My god, he's terrible at this, and frustration toward himself starts to bleed through their emotionshare. ]
I don't want this to drive a wedge between us or anything.
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You wouldn't have noticed because I didn't want you to on purpose.
[Idiot. The vibes are that he is embarrassed and this is stupid. He tries to stand up as if this will be what gets him out of the grip.]
Just forget about it. I told you to leave it alone. Just say what you need to say so it will be done.
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... I'm sorry.
[ For the part he's played in this to make Essek feel this way about him. For not being able to reciprocate. For not catching on sooner, so that he would be a little more tactful about pushing Essek on these dates.
The remorse is heavy and thick in the air between them, but along the edges of that are the fear, the insecurity, and the anxiety that make up the whole of Aventurine, emotions normally hidden behind all his reckless bravado and fearless grins. ]
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The hurt is like a stick breaking: quick and then it's gone. The cloudy turmoil of feelings on the surface grows slowly translucent as the moments pass, and beneath it are the scraps of fond understanding. A resolute thing. When shackles have released you, and you stand there without their weight, now free and unburdened.
He does hate this week in particular, but perhaps it's better this way, in the end. Nothing can be hidden. He has already started learning the intricacies of these sorts of things, and he's a bit ashamed he had fallen back into the same secrecy which got him in trouble at home in the first place.]
Thank you. I'm glad you both have each other.
[The words are genuine because the feelings behind them are genuine, too. Those are his friends.]
I'm sorry to have complicated things.
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The effects of this week only help to drive the knife further into Aventurine's chest. He hates the instant pain that he scores through Essek, but it's the understanding that follows that acts as the real punishment. An overwhelming sort of guilt eats away at him, because he's doing it again, isn't he? Hurting someone he cares about. ]
You aren't complicating anything, [ he says, a bit too quickly, a bit too anxiously to be fully believed. ] I wish I could do more, be more, for you, but...
[ His voice falters, tone reluctant. Sincere words escape him. He's always been able to fall back on his luck and put on a show, but in the face of one of his very first, real friends, he's struggling to act his usual part. He doesn't want the acceptance or the genuine kindness that Essek replies back with. ]
Tell me what you need. If it's space or time or me making even more of a fool of myself in front of you, I'll give it to you.
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His head starts slowly shaking, dismissive. He raises a hand, an attempt to get Aventurine to stop. Relax. What does it matter, in the end? He is probably going to be dead with the Might Nein after Lucien anyway.
This is fine.]
I think we've both already done enough of making fools of ourselves.
[Him especially. He didn't even want this to come to light! It would have been fine if it hadn't. There was no room for him anyway; he respects both Aventurine and Nehan too much to simply insert himself. Anyway.]
I don't need anything. Except my friend.
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Their friendship isn't going anywhere. He has to remind himself of this, even if there's a familiar voice in the back of his mind that tells him otherwise. ]
... Okay.
[ His voice is quiet, but he pushes himself up to his feet to stand next to Essek. Tentatively, he reaches for the other man, the tips of his fingers grazing Essek's wrist. ]
I'm not going anywhere, as long as you promise to do the same.
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I can feel you despairing and panicking, you know.
[He pulls Aventurine down to him, a little horrifying at first, except he simply plants a kiss on Aventurine's forehead between the brows. Like Caleb did to him. Holding his idiot little face.]
You are my friend. I will be fine if that remains true. I like Caleb a bit more than you anyway; you are rather annoying, and I was sort of upset about it.
[Some humor.]
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Which feels stupid when he's the one who's had to reject Essek's feelings. But they're both wet paper napkins for a reason, and Aventurine fights to keep it together, wrapping his arms around Essek in a hug after he's finished talking to get rid of some of these overwhelming emotions.
And then he pulls back a second later to lightly punch him on the arm. ]
You seriously need to reevaluate your type. [ PLEASE. GET TASTE. ] Once this is over, once you survive your big fight, I'm coming over and meeting Caleb for myself.
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The hug surprises him even though he just gave Aventurine a kiss on the forehead. He just doesn't expect people to want to hug him is all. He returns the hug, the vibes better for it even if Aventurine is worried.
Aventurine is his friend!!!
He grunts and there is a snap of fond irritation at the punch.]
Yes, I admit, any like I had of you was atrocious taste. I don't know how Nehan does it.
[He's thundered because he is now embarrassed. But the last part softens him slightly.]
We'll see if any of us are even still around.
no subject
But no, they're not touching the depression mines by talking about Essek's potential demise. Aventurine will rat shake him here in the rat exhibit if it continues. ]
Quit it. I have half a mind to beat some sense into you. You're going to be around and that's final.
[ He will not be leaving any room for arguments as he grabs Essek's arm and starts dragging him outside of the exhibit. ]
We're going to find something fun to do so I don't have to worry about you moping.
no subject
Sighing, he lets himself get dragged away, still not used to having to walk instead of someone simply pulling him along in a float. Annoying.]
Me? You're the one who keeps giving off atrocious insecurities. Guilt, fear - should I name them all one by one so you'll acknowledge them? Aventurine.
[He pulls his arm away, not to escape the touch, but to force Aventurine to look at him.]
You don't have to feel any kind of way. It wasn't as bad as you're making it out to be in your own head. My interest didn't mean I'm madly in love with you. I have feelings, but they work differently than most people.
Does that make sense?
no subject
He's made to stop, and when he's forced to look at Essek, the emotions that he gives off are still rancid. They only heighten with each one that gets named, and he makes a noise of complaint from the back of his throat, eyes widening as he tries to quell the uncomfortable squirm in the pit of his stomach. ]
... It does, [ he says, tone reluctant as he tries to silence his emotions from continuing to go haywire. Sometimes, you are a man filled with only insecurities. ] It's not that I think you're madly in love with me, I just...
[ His hand comes up to rub at his forehead, and he grimaces out the rest of the words. ]
I hate that I have to refuse you something.
[ Aventurine who complains about alway being surrounded by tsunderes, also showing tsundere tendencies. But Aventurine who is used to giving people he cares about anything they want, also struggling to deny them. ]
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His brows furrow slightly. He peers at Aventurine.]
Sometimes you have to refuse even friends things.
[That's just the way of the world. What if he asked for a cure for all diseases? Aventurine can't give him that either, so what's the difference?]
Why does refusing me something bother you so much?
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But if Essek sincerely asked Aventurine for the cure of all diseases, he would find a way. He's from magic space, they can do the impossible there. ]
Don't turn me into a sap on top of everything else.
[ So what if he's a loser who feels his emotions too much and Essek has somehow become a very close, important friend to him and he's never had friends to begin with and now he's like wow, I was so stupid and blind the entire time. ]
no subject
You didn't answer my question.
[Which is fair, he has spent a great deal of his life not answering people's damn questions. A small sigh escapes him. He does not grab Aventurine, but he does start walking on again, slow, as if waiting for Aventurine to come along, too.]
You are a sap. It was better to get it out of the way. You are only unnecessarily blaming yourself because you happened to be able to feel what I felt. If you had not, you would have never known and accepted our mutual agreement this boundary.
There isn't anything to feel bad about, you know. You give me enough simply by being my friend.
no subject
Instead, he finally takes a step forward, and then another, easily catching up to Essek to slip their arms together. Aventurine doesn't mean to cling, but his hold is tight as he looks anywhere but at Essek. ]
... Thanks. You probably don't have any idea how much easier you've made it for me to endure this place.
[ It's the sort of gratitude that might even be felt without the aid of emotionshare, but it's there all the same. ]
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Aventurine won't look at him, but he's looking at Aventurine.]
Likewise. Fool.
[He doesn't want his feelings to be soft, but they're soft. Regardless of all of this mess, Aventurine really is his friend.]
I missed your annoying antics even if they got on my nerves. We haven't spoken in some time. So when I saw you here... [He finally glances away himself.] I was relieved even though I didn't want you to have to be in another place like this.
no subject
Our rotten luck.
[ There's a bit of a laugh in his voice as he tries to find some humor in their situation. But it's mostly relief that washes over him, as well as his own soft affection, and he tugs them toward a new location that isn't the rat exhibit. ]
Come on. We'll turn it around and make the most of it.
no subject
Nehan would probably hit them both across the head with his cane.]
Between the two of us, we're supposed to have great luck.
[He follows along with Aventurine's lead. THEY REALLY HAD THIS HEART TO HEART EPISODE IN A WHOLE RAT EXHIBIT, I HATE THIS PLACE.]
You're giving us too much credit here, I feel.
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I'm giving myself just the right amount of credit, thanks. You're welcome to share in it!
[ anyway they go off and enjoy themselves and you have to pc me it's your turn that's the rules ]