[The hand draws feelings out that resemble something like prickling goosebumps. Firmly keeping his head ducked in his palms, thank you.]
Kindly go to hell.
[No heat. His tastes are bad!!! Well, Caleb is only marginally bad, and bad in the sense of being an idiot who sticks his hands in hot bread to keep them warm. Everyone else is bad.
[Jesus, why do I have so many typos tonight everywhere. I must be tired. Also SHUT UP, god. Can't begin to explain the insurmountable guilt Essek would have if this happened to Aventurine. :')
His mood dims ever so slightly, something apprehensive.]
[His mood sours just like a lil raisin. He turns his head away from Aventurine, like, completely away where Aventurine can't see a single part of his face.
The emotions are, unfortunately, shame and regret. He actually does not say anything at all.]
[ He'll let Essek stand up, his hand falling away from his shoulder to drop back into his lap. There's something quietly defeated about him. He's never had to do this to a friend before, probably because he's never had too many of them in the first place, so it just feels especially... awful. ]
... I'm sorry.
[ For the part he's played in this to make Essek feel this way about him. For not being able to reciprocate. For not catching on sooner, so that he would be a little more tactful about pushing Essek on these dates.
The remorse is heavy and thick in the air between them, but along the edges of that are the fear, the insecurity, and the anxiety that make up the whole of Aventurine, emotions normally hidden behind all his reckless bravado and fearless grins. ]
The hurt is like a stick breaking: quick and then it's gone. The cloudy turmoil of feelings on the surface grows slowly translucent as the moments pass, and beneath it are the scraps of fond understanding. A resolute thing. When shackles have released you, and you stand there without their weight, now free and unburdened.
He does hate this week in particular, but perhaps it's better this way, in the end. Nothing can be hidden. He has already started learning the intricacies of these sorts of things, and he's a bit ashamed he had fallen back into the same secrecy which got him in trouble at home in the first place.]
Thank you. I'm glad you both have each other.
[The words are genuine because the feelings behind them are genuine, too. Those are his friends.]
[ DON'T JUST UNDERSTAND!!! I REACH INTO THE SCREEN AND STRANGLE YOU
The effects of this week only help to drive the knife further into Aventurine's chest. He hates the instant pain that he scores through Essek, but it's the understanding that follows that acts as the real punishment. An overwhelming sort of guilt eats away at him, because he's doing it again, isn't he? Hurting someone he cares about. ]
You aren't complicating anything, [ he says, a bit too quickly, a bit too anxiously to be fully believed. ] I wish I could do more, be more, for you, but...
[ His voice falters, tone reluctant. Sincere words escape him. He's always been able to fall back on his luck and put on a show, but in the face of one of his very first, real friends, he's struggling to act his usual part. He doesn't want the acceptance or the genuine kindness that Essek replies back with. ]
Tell me what you need. If it's space or time or me making even more of a fool of myself in front of you, I'll give it to you.
His head starts slowly shaking, dismissive. He raises a hand, an attempt to get Aventurine to stop. Relax. What does it matter, in the end? He is probably going to be dead with the Might Nein after Lucien anyway.
This is fine.]
I think we've both already done enough of making fools of ourselves.
[Him especially. He didn't even want this to come to light! It would have been fine if it hadn't. There was no room for him anyway; he respects both Aventurine and Nehan too much to simply insert himself. Anyway.]
[ He can't relax under these conditions. It's devastating when Essek calls him friend and says that he needs him, and Aventurine squeezes his hands together to stop them from trembling. Essek's already seen what a mess he can be, to show him again wouldn't make things all too different, but he tries to hold it together.
Their friendship isn't going anywhere. He has to remind himself of this, even if there's a familiar voice in the back of his mind that tells him otherwise. ]
... Okay.
[ His voice is quiet, but he pushes himself up to his feet to stand next to Essek. Tentatively, he reaches for the other man, the tips of his fingers grazing Essek's wrist. ]
I'm not going anywhere, as long as you promise to do the same.
[His hand flits away again, but not because he is fleeing the touch, because he is raising both his hands to push them up over Aventurine's cheeks.]
I can feel you despairing and panicking, you know.
[He pulls Aventurine down to him, a little horrifying at first, except he simply plants a kiss on Aventurine's forehead between the brows. Like Caleb did to him. Holding his idiot little face.]
You are my friend. I will be fine if that remains true. I like Caleb a bit more than you anyway; you are rather annoying, and I was sort of upset about it.
[ This really is such a horrible weekly effect, but Aventurine doesn't fight it when his face is grabbed, or when he's kissed on the forehead. Any other time, he would have probably squirmed away, but surprisingly enough, this little act of affection does bring him comfort.
Which feels stupid when he's the one who's had to reject Essek's feelings. But they're both wet paper napkins for a reason, and Aventurine fights to keep it together, wrapping his arms around Essek in a hug after he's finished talking to get rid of some of these overwhelming emotions.
And then he pulls back a second later to lightly punch him on the arm. ]
You seriously need to reevaluate your type. [ PLEASE. GET TASTE. ] Once this is over, once you survive your big fight, I'm coming over and meeting Caleb for myself.
[Do you think about how they are both such idiots? I do.
The hug surprises him even though he just gave Aventurine a kiss on the forehead. He just doesn't expect people to want to hug him is all. He returns the hug, the vibes better for it even if Aventurine is worried.
Aventurine is his friend!!!
He grunts and there is a snap of fond irritation at the punch.]
Yes, I admit, any like I had of you was atrocious taste. I don't know how Nehan does it.
[He's thundered because he is now embarrassed. But the last part softens him slightly.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Kindly go to hell.
[No heat. His tastes are bad!!! Well, Caleb is only marginally bad, and bad in the sense of being an idiot who sticks his hands in hot bread to keep them warm. Everyone else is bad.
Maybe not Wriothesley. I mean, what?]
You started the attacking.
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Anyway, the patting stops and becomes a playful shove instead. ]
I was defending myself. You put me in a headlock for no reason at all. What are you doing pulling pigtails at your age?
[ AT YOUR BIG AGE ]
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He glares over his shoulder, exasperated.]
You were being annoying, as usual. I simply retaliated.
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[ Laughs a little and grins when Essek looks at him. ]
Done hiding your face?
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[OOOOO. He's about to starting fucking swinging again. His face turns purple once more to match the hot embarrassmenet radiating off him.]
If I had my magic, I would wipe you from existence.
[This icon, but >:( instead of :")]
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Please, like I haven't survived several attempts of the very same thing.
[ One day he's going to die and it's going to stick, but man... He's apparently harder to get rid of than a cockroach. ]
Now that you're acting more like yourself again, want to talk about it?
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His mood dims ever so slightly, something apprehensive.]
...What are we talking about exactly?
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... Well, now I don't want to say.
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Say it.
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I don't know what to call it. Your... crush? Your little crush?
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The emotions are, unfortunately, shame and regret. He actually does not say anything at all.]
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... Sorry. Trying to make light of the situation is sort of a force of habit. I'm about as practiced at this as you are.
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Finally:] You don't have to apologize. [He doesn't say anything else for a long moment.]
You don't have to worry about it.
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Hey, don't do that. Don't clam up on me.
[ Grips Essek's shoulder and gives him a light shake. ]
I want to understand. What happened? What changed?
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I don't have an answer for you. Do you think I know how any of this works? You're the only person here I know as well as I do, you idiot.
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... I do feel like an idiot for not having noticed sooner. [ He pinches the bridge of his nose with his other hand, eyes shutting tight as he sighs quietly. ] I don't know what to tell you without it sounding like a total cliché. Not that I think you're hoping for anything, just...
[ My god, he's terrible at this, and frustration toward himself starts to bleed through their emotionshare. ]
I don't want this to drive a wedge between us or anything.
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You wouldn't have noticed because I didn't want you to on purpose.
[Idiot. The vibes are that he is embarrassed and this is stupid. He tries to stand up as if this will be what gets him out of the grip.]
Just forget about it. I told you to leave it alone. Just say what you need to say so it will be done.
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... I'm sorry.
[ For the part he's played in this to make Essek feel this way about him. For not being able to reciprocate. For not catching on sooner, so that he would be a little more tactful about pushing Essek on these dates.
The remorse is heavy and thick in the air between them, but along the edges of that are the fear, the insecurity, and the anxiety that make up the whole of Aventurine, emotions normally hidden behind all his reckless bravado and fearless grins. ]
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The hurt is like a stick breaking: quick and then it's gone. The cloudy turmoil of feelings on the surface grows slowly translucent as the moments pass, and beneath it are the scraps of fond understanding. A resolute thing. When shackles have released you, and you stand there without their weight, now free and unburdened.
He does hate this week in particular, but perhaps it's better this way, in the end. Nothing can be hidden. He has already started learning the intricacies of these sorts of things, and he's a bit ashamed he had fallen back into the same secrecy which got him in trouble at home in the first place.]
Thank you. I'm glad you both have each other.
[The words are genuine because the feelings behind them are genuine, too. Those are his friends.]
I'm sorry to have complicated things.
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The effects of this week only help to drive the knife further into Aventurine's chest. He hates the instant pain that he scores through Essek, but it's the understanding that follows that acts as the real punishment. An overwhelming sort of guilt eats away at him, because he's doing it again, isn't he? Hurting someone he cares about. ]
You aren't complicating anything, [ he says, a bit too quickly, a bit too anxiously to be fully believed. ] I wish I could do more, be more, for you, but...
[ His voice falters, tone reluctant. Sincere words escape him. He's always been able to fall back on his luck and put on a show, but in the face of one of his very first, real friends, he's struggling to act his usual part. He doesn't want the acceptance or the genuine kindness that Essek replies back with. ]
Tell me what you need. If it's space or time or me making even more of a fool of myself in front of you, I'll give it to you.
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His head starts slowly shaking, dismissive. He raises a hand, an attempt to get Aventurine to stop. Relax. What does it matter, in the end? He is probably going to be dead with the Might Nein after Lucien anyway.
This is fine.]
I think we've both already done enough of making fools of ourselves.
[Him especially. He didn't even want this to come to light! It would have been fine if it hadn't. There was no room for him anyway; he respects both Aventurine and Nehan too much to simply insert himself. Anyway.]
I don't need anything. Except my friend.
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Their friendship isn't going anywhere. He has to remind himself of this, even if there's a familiar voice in the back of his mind that tells him otherwise. ]
... Okay.
[ His voice is quiet, but he pushes himself up to his feet to stand next to Essek. Tentatively, he reaches for the other man, the tips of his fingers grazing Essek's wrist. ]
I'm not going anywhere, as long as you promise to do the same.
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I can feel you despairing and panicking, you know.
[He pulls Aventurine down to him, a little horrifying at first, except he simply plants a kiss on Aventurine's forehead between the brows. Like Caleb did to him. Holding his idiot little face.]
You are my friend. I will be fine if that remains true. I like Caleb a bit more than you anyway; you are rather annoying, and I was sort of upset about it.
[Some humor.]
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Which feels stupid when he's the one who's had to reject Essek's feelings. But they're both wet paper napkins for a reason, and Aventurine fights to keep it together, wrapping his arms around Essek in a hug after he's finished talking to get rid of some of these overwhelming emotions.
And then he pulls back a second later to lightly punch him on the arm. ]
You seriously need to reevaluate your type. [ PLEASE. GET TASTE. ] Once this is over, once you survive your big fight, I'm coming over and meeting Caleb for myself.
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The hug surprises him even though he just gave Aventurine a kiss on the forehead. He just doesn't expect people to want to hug him is all. He returns the hug, the vibes better for it even if Aventurine is worried.
Aventurine is his friend!!!
He grunts and there is a snap of fond irritation at the punch.]
Yes, I admit, any like I had of you was atrocious taste. I don't know how Nehan does it.
[He's thundered because he is now embarrassed. But the last part softens him slightly.]
We'll see if any of us are even still around.
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